


Death and Rebirth

by StormyBear30



Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-14
Updated: 2011-06-14
Packaged: 2017-10-20 10:29:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/211816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tim helps Jared pull himself back together again after a great loss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Death and Rebirth

“I’m sorry for you loss”

“My condolences Jared”

“If you need anything you just let me know”

He heard the words surrounding him, but he ignored all of them. He couldn’t be bothered to give them notice when his full attention was totally focused on the black and shiny box lying before him. He couldn’t take his eyes off of it as he waited, waited for the person lying inside to jump out at him and scream that this was all a joke. He waited, hoped and prayed that it was going to turn out to be some colossal joke, where the laugh would be on him for being so stupid to believe that his older brother was dead. So he waited and waited, ignoring the mourners who passed by paying their respects to not only him, but the black box as well. He waited and watched as Shannon’s lover of ten years stood before the same box, tears pouring from his eyes as members of his family held him upright. ***Stupid fools*** He chuckled to himself, preparing his revenge for both Tomo and Shannon for pulling such a practical joke on him.

“Come on Jared…it’s time to go” He heard someone speak, but he ignored them, pulling his arm away when he felt pressure on it. He couldn’t leave, not yet because Shannon had yet to pop out of the box and scream “Got ya”

The tugging became almost insistent, as he once again tried to pull his arm away.

“Leave him alone” He heard a deep voice speak up behind him, but he put no mind to it as he stood up, standing before the box as he laid his hands upon the smooth wood, his mind befuddled and confused. “Jared…” That deep voice spoke again, this time aside of him as he turned his head and found a concerned looking Tim gazing down at him.

“Why isn’t he coming out?” Jared spoke, his voice sounding hollow and strange even to himself.

“Jared…you know why” Tim spoke softly, wrapping his arms around Jared as the man lost the ability to stand and nearly fell to the ground at his feet.

Tim felt torn as he continued to hold Jared, watching as Tomo’s family did the same to the other man. He wanted to go to Tomo and try and sooth him, take away some of the pain of losing his lover, but as Jared began to stir within his arms he turned his entire focus on him as together they walked towards the waiting limo.

Jared didn’t know what happened after he spoke to Tim; all he knew was that he found himself back home, broken and totally alone. It was then that his destructive nature kicked in and with Shannon not there to contain it, it quickly grew out of control. He avoided the constantly ringing phone, the insistent visitors who tried to enter his home daily and found nothing but secured locks and no way to get in. Food became his enemy as he avoided it like the plague, not showering, caring and barely breathing as he tried to make sense of what happened to him. He cried often, deep and harrowing tears of pain and loneness as he locked himself within the confines of Shannon’s old and dark bedroom, slowly wasting away, giving up, dying. When he wasn’t crying over the loss of his brother he was sleeping, deep and haunted sleep where he witnessed over and over again the death of his brother and he powerless to stop it. It was then after the nightmares woke him that he would cry himself to sleep again, only to have the same nightmares wake him once more before the tears came crashing upon him once again. It was a vicious cycle that was slowly killing him and he welcomed death with open arms if only to be with the only man that could ever keep him civil and sane.

He wasn’t sure how long it had been since the funeral, and he didn’t care as he continued with his cycle of death, only to have it interrupted one day by the appearance of Tomo. It pained Jared to look upon his brother’s lover, because it was yet another constant reminder that he was truly dead. It didn’t matter that they had been band mates and friends for years before hand, because Jared wasn’t ready to deal with reality, wasn’t ready to deal with the truth and there was no doubt that was what Tomo represented at that time. Tomo tried to speak to him, tried to make him see that what he was doing wasn’t only hurting himself, but the people who loved him as well, but Jared couldn’t listen. He wanted nothing to do with the truth or that man as he mustered up the strength he had left and pounced upon him unsuspectingly, beating him severely before he was tossed, exhausted and even more broken across the room, Tomo’s heartbreaking words adding to his already massive haunts.

“You weren’t the only one who lost him Jared” Tomo said to him, wiping at his bloody lip and nose. “I lost him too. I loved Shannon with my entire heart…almost as much as you did…but even I know that he wouldn’t want you to live like this. You need help Jared. You need to talk to someone and pull yourself out of this before we end up putting you in the ground next to your brother” The words ripped at his very soul at the reminder that Shannon was no longer with them, but the fear of losing yet another person who meant so much to him forced him to move on. “I love you Jared and I am so fucking sacred that I am going to lose you as well. I can’t do that. I can’t watch you waste away to nothing and leave me. Shannon’s death was not your fault…no matter what you might think. He died of a fucking stroke. It was quick and it was deadly…but it wasn’t your fault by any means. I know you tried to save him Jared…but there was nothing you could do since it was his time. Please Jared…do something…get some help…if not for me then for yourself” Tomo couldn’t stand being in the house one second longer as he rushed out of the room that had held so many wonderful memories before he and Shannon had purchased a home of their own.

Minutes blurred into hours and days burned into night and still Jared could not muster up the strength to heed Tomo’s words. He felt feverish and weak, with barely enough energy to drink him self stupid before passing out wherever his waif like body dumped him once it had had enough. He had given up completely and felt that death was just days, moments, maybe even seconds away and he still welcomed it with open arms, but he soon learned that someone else had other ideas and no matter how much he was determined to kill himself, this person was determined to make him live.

“Holy fuck” Tim cried out into the empty hallway as he entered the home of Jared Leto. He knew that Tomo had warned him that it was bad, he just never understood how bad until he entered what appeared to be a dungeon of doom. Other then the smell being enough to wake the dead, it was dark and humid and as much as he wanted to help his friend, he couldn’t help but fight the urge to run like hell as well. “Jared” He called out, walking into the living room, the smell only seeming to increase with veracity. “Jared…” He cried out in a panic when he found the man he was looking for lying on the floor, looking almost dead. “Jared…holy fuck” His cries of shock turned to a cry of revulsion as he turned him onto his back and found him breathing, but with a stench so great that Tim found himself rushing to the bathroom to empty the contents of his stomach. When he came back he found Jared in the same spot he had left him, his heart breaking at what was once such a strong individual. Determination set in as pulled his eyes away from the man, walking to each window located in the large room before pulling them open and breathing in much needed fresh air. He knew had a lot of work to due, knew that Jared was going to fight him tooth and nail, but that thought alone only sent his determination factor up several more notices. “You’re going to live you little fucker” He spoke more to himself as he watched Jared shifting and mumbling something incoherent on the floor. “Even if it kills me…you are going to live”

Jared woke to the sound of what appeared to be music playing off in the distance and a low murmuring of someone singing along with the words. “Shannon…” He whispered, a smile gracing his face as he ignored the pain screaming from his entire body as he pulled himself up off of the floor. With careful and pain filled steps he made his way as quickly as he could into the kitchen, the source of that sound, his heart racing within his chest from the strain it was taking out on him as well at his need to see his brother once again. “Shannon…” He cried out louder, reaching out towards the man with his back towards him, only to jump back in frightened shock as that same man turned to face him. “No…” He screamed, fists curled into tight balls of hate as he began to pelt the unsuspecting man with them. “No…no…no” His rant continued, his energy depleted as a familiar pair of arms caught him before he fell to the hard wood floors. “I don’t want you here” He spoke fiercely, trying like hell to break out of the hold being held upon him, but he knew it was all for show because he didn’t have the energy to do more then that.

“I know that you don’t…but frankly at this point I don’t give a flying fuck about what you want” Tim spoke quickly, lifting Jared’s near weightless body as if it were nothing, holding him as far away from his body as he could due to the stench. “Jesus Christ Jared…when was the last fucking time you took a fucking shower or a bath for that matter?” As expected he received no reply from the man attempting to struggle out of his grasp, but failing miserably. His heart broke in two as he looked closer, past the smell and the filth and noticed that Jared was still wearing the same dress shirt and pants from Shannon’s funeral. With quick steps he took the both of them upstairs, lying Jared on the bed before going in search of some clean clothes. Placing the clothes that he found beside the still unmoving man, he entered the bathroom, filled the tub with warm water before returning to collect his one time leader, a man who was now just a shell of himself.

“Leave me alone Tim…please” Jared begged, his voice rough and raw with emotion.

“I can’t do that Jared” Was Tim’s response as he quickly and as carefully as possible began to undress him. “Fuck…” He spoke out, shocked as tears prickled his eyes at the sight he saw before him. “How could you do this to yourself?” He questioned his own voice tight and filled with so much pain and emotion as he took in the stick thin frame before him.

“I just want to die Timmy. Will you help me?” Jared asked, a small fire of hope burning within his eyes as he looked from a tearful Tim to the waters of the bath behind them. “Just lie me in there and leave and no one will be the wiser”

“I’ll be the fucking wiser” Tim growled, resisting the urge to drown Jared himself as he laid him in the tub and began his task of cleaning him up. Jared didn’t even put up an ounce of resistance as he continued, just staring straight ahead, his eyes vacant and listless. “I’m sorry that I let it get this far” Tim spoke softly, rubbing gentle circles across Jared’s barely moving chest, tears once again plaguing his eyes at the guilt lying upon his heart. “After the funeral I tried to be there for you. I called…I came by and yet you never answered the phone or the door. I knew you were hurting and I thought that I was doing the right thing by letting you grieve…but I never imagined that this is what it would come to. I hope you can forgive me one day Jared” He whispered, figuring that Jared couldn’t hear him at the zoned out look upon his face and yet he continued to speak if only to calm his already edgy nerves. “Tomo’s been worried sick about you as well, but he’s trying to deal with his own loss…that’s why it took him so long to come and see you. He’s besides himself with grief and worry…that’s why he called me. You have to get better Jared. You can’t give up because too many people love you and would miss you so much”

Jared heard every word, but he chose to ignore it, his eyes closing in exhaustion as Tim began to run his fingers through his greasy hair. He wanted to fight him, wanted to push him away because he was Jared Leto and he was anything but weak, but as the massaging fingers continued to relax him, he gave in and allowed slumber to take him. He woke up some time later to voice in his room, voices that sounded familiar and yet he couldn’t really place them as he tried to roll onto his side to shut them out, an odd tugging at his arm. Opening his eyes he found pieces of tape surrounding what appeared to be a catheter of sorts, causing him to cry out in fear as he took in his full surroundings “Where am I?” He asked Tim as he rushed over to his side.

“You’re in the hospital Jared” Tim replied, lying his hand on top of the arm Jared was trying to remove the catheter from. “You passed out in the tub and I couldn’t wake you up. I got fucking scared man and called an ambulance”

Jared could see the blind fear in Tim’s eyes and it caused him to feel bad for about a second before he tried once again to remove the tubing pumping life giving nutrients into his body, only to find himself once again restrained by Tim’s strong hands. “Just leave me the fuck alone” He cried out with as much anger as he could muster, only to fall back limp against the pillow a quick second later. “Why are you doing this?” He asked Tim, tears sliding down his face as he stared into equally tearful eyes.

“You were dying Jared. There was no way that I could lose you. I’ve already lost someone that meant a lot to me…do you really think that I could go through that again?” Tim asked, slipping his hand into Jared’s before giving it a gentle squeeze. “You were so heavily dehydrated that the doctor said that a day or two more and your functions would have started to shut down. You’ve lost so much weight that your bones are practically protruding from you body. You’re a damn skeleton of yourself Jared and I know that Shannon’s death fucked with your mind…but you can’t just let yourself die because of it. Shannon would have never wanted to see you like this and he sure as hell wouldn’t want to be the reason for it. You have to fight this Jared…your going to fight this because I won’t give you a moment’s peace until you do. The doctor’s going to keep you in the hospital for as long as it takes to try and get some life back into that pencil thin body of yours…but you have to want this as well. He also wants you to get some counseling…because lord knows you’re a fucking crazy ass loon for allowing yourself to get to this point”

Jared tired to see the joking and laughter behind Tim’s words, but all he found was anger and concern and seeing those things felt like a dagger to his already dying heart. He didn’t say a word as he closed his eyes and allowed the darkness to take him again, because what could he say except that Tim was fucking right.

It was nearly three weeks before the doctors felt Jared well enough to go home. His body seemed to be healing nicely and yet despite their constant reminders and urgings for him to talk to someone about his apparent problem, he refused. In fact in the near three weeks that he had been in the hospital he had practically refused to talk to anyone, even Tim. The staff pretty much gave up trying after the first week of unsuccessful attempts, but Tim refused to give in. If anything to Jared, it seemed that it only boosted his determination to make him come to life once again. Every morning he would show up as soon as visiting hours would start, having to practically be pushed out the door at night when they ended. Daily he would bring a book, a newspaper, any magazine that he thought Jared might enjoy and read to him. He talked practically non-stop throughout the day, filling Jared in on what was happening in the world outside of the hospital. Often he would print out banners and well wishes that their precious Echelon would post on the boards hoping that it would stimulate some sort of a response, sadly he usually received nothing. What he didn’t know was that Jared would read them nightly after Tim left and despite the fact that he didn’t want to feel anything for what he read and the caring actions he received from Tim, he found that no matter how hard he tried there was nothing he could do to stop it.

“Ok Jared…home at last” Tim smiled as he pulled up into Jared’s driveway, jumping out of the car the moment that it stopped before opening the door and ushering him out. “I hired a cleaning team to come in and clean up your house and stock your kitchen with that shit you like…so now you owe me three hundred dollars you fucker” He laughed forcefully, when he got no response from Jared. “Come on…let’s get you settled” As expected Jared didn’t say a word or try to fight him in any way. “Are you hungry or thirsty?” He asked once he got him settled on the couch. “I don’t know much about healthy cooking…but I can run somewhere and get you something to eat or do you need something else…anything?” He asked, hopeful for a response of some sort. “Jesus Christ Jared…it’s been three weeks and you haven’t spoken a word to me. Do you care that you scared the crap out of me and the people that love you…are you even still in there or have you given up so completely that this is just a waste of my time” He knew his frustration was evident in his words, but he didn’t care because that was just how he felt. “Don’t you have anything to say to me dammit?” Silence greeted him. “I give up Jared. I don’t know what to do or say anymore. You win ok? I can’t fight a losing battle and it seems you’ve given up a long time ago. So…curl up into your little ball and die because it seems to be all you want to do” He went to walk away, only to stop at a sound he wasn’t even quite sure that he had heard.

“Why?” Jared spoke his first word in nearly a month.

“What?” Tim asked, his excitement showing on his face as he rushed back and plopped down on the couch beside him.

“Why? Why did you save me?” Jared spoke again, this time a little louder, it feeling strange to hear his own voice after so long. .

“Because you’re Jared fucking Leto” Tim smiled widely, hugging the man quickly before releasing him at the tenseness he received in return. “Because too many people love and care for you and want you in their lives…that’s why”

“He gone Tim” Jared ignored his reply, instead focusing on the row of pictures of he and Shannon on the mantle taken a few years prior to Shannon’s death. “Shannon’s gone” He cried out a bit louder, tears and heart wrenching sobs of pain echoing around him as he continued to sit there his brother’s death playing over and over in his mind.

“I know baby…I know” Tim cried himself at the pain he saw staring back at him though hollow blue eyes before pulling Jared into his arms. He felt Jared’s entire body go rigid for a few seconds before thin arms wrapped around his neck in a near vice like grip, holding on as sob upon sob wracked his grieving body. Tim wasn’t sure how, but somehow Jared ended up on his lap, yet he was perfectly content with this as he continued to hold him, rocking back and forth as he talked soothingly into his ear, hoping and praying that he was bringing the man at least some comfort. Once Jared seemed to have cried himself out, he carried him to his bedroom, lying him down as he prepared to leave.

“Don’t leave” Jared whispered, his words heavy and exhausted as he looked up at Tim with eyes pleading for him to stay. Tim didn’t say a word as he walked to the other side of the room, switching off the bedroom light before slipping into the bed beside Jared. “Thank you Tim” He spoke, fighting the urge to close his eyes and sleep as Tim pulled him into his arms and held him in a protective grasp. “Thank you for everything”

“Sleep” Were Tim’s only words as he kissed the top of his head, before snuggling down with Jared tightly within his arms for the night.

It became a pattern with them after that night, with Tim hardly ever leaving Jared’s side day or night. For Jared he was content to sit at home and pretend that the outside world didn’t exist, but for Tim with each day that passed he became itchier for a change, to see the outside world, to look upon anything but Jared’s furniture and home. He tried to keep his agitation to himself until one afternoon he lost the battle in the form of an anger filled explosion. “Let’s go out today” Four simple words that caused Jared’s blood to run cold as he and Tim sat in the living room watching TV.

“I’d rather stay in” Jared replied, getting up and going to the kitchen in order to avoid the oncoming conversation.

“You’re going to have to face the outside world eventually” Tim refused to give up the fight as he followed Jared into the kitchen. “It’s a beautiful day today. We could go to the park and just take a walk…nothing major”

“I’m not ready to face the outside world Tim. Jesus it hasn’t been that long since Shannon’s death and my getting out of the hospital” Jared replied, trying to walk past Tim, but a hand upon his arm stopped him in his tracks.

“It’s been three months Jared. Three months of you hiding away from the world and to tell you the truth I need a change of scenery. It’s time to stop hiding…time to start living your life again” He couldn’t help the edge of anger in his voice because he was tired of Jared’s excuses.

“Then fucking go. You want to leave me to…then do it” Jared scream, pushing past Tim as he raced for the sanctuary of his bedroom, ignoring the cries of anger coming from behind him and the slamming of the front door. Tears poured down his cheeks as he turned around, sat on the top step and stared at the door Tim had just exited. Fear ran through him at the idea of Tim never coming back and being left alone to fend off the demons and that loneliness he knew was to come. He didn’t know how long he sat there, but he knew it had been a while due to the stiffness in his knees and legs that began to really bother him and yet he still sat, staring at the door, praying and hoping that Tim was going to come back to him. He felt relief rush through him when a bit later Tim came back in through the door, standing before him. “Hey…” Jared spoke softly.

“Hey…” Tim replied, finding fascination with the carpeted stairs before looking up at Jared. “You ok?” He asked, ashamed at the way he had stormed out on him earlier.

“Yeah…you?” Jared asked, eyes locked on the bassist.

“Yeah” Tim responded. “Sorry about earlier” He went on. “I didn’t mean to go off on you like that and…”

“I deserved it” Jared cut him off. “And your right. It’s time for me to stop hiding…I just don’t know how” He spoke truthfully, because he truly didn’t know.

“How about baby steps” Tim encouraged with a smile as he climbed up the steps, reaching out towards Jared with his hand. “Let’s take a walk in the park…maybe go for ice cream since I know how much you love it” His smiled widened, when Jared hesitantly reached out and took his hand. “One step at a time”

Jared was a nervous wreck as they drove to the park; the grip on Tim’s hand almost iron clad the entire drive. He didn’t know why going to the park was such a huge deal to him, but as he exited the car all he could think about was rushing back home and diving back into the security of his bed. “One step at a time right?” He repeated Tim’s earlier words; taking a deep breath as together he and Tim made their way into the lovely park. As their walk continued Jared began to feel better and better about his decision. The day was sunny and warm and despite the fact that the park was loaded with other people, none of them paid the two of them any mind. Slowly but surely they made their way onward, stopping off for ice cream as Tim had promised before heading back home. Once home Jared headed right for bed, the walk taking more out of him then he thought possible and yet at the same time he felt almost like he had won a great marathon, almost like his old self again, almost. Tim couldn’t keep the smile off of his face as he watched Jared sleep. He felt like a proud father watching his infant son take his first steps and he knew that it was just a matter of time before he was his old self again.

Weeks passed and each day Tim encouraged Jared to take on a new challenge, some he won without question and others it was a knock down drag out fight to get the one time always on the go singer and actor to do anything. He could feel Jared’s frustration and was frustrated himself as to what to do about it. It all came to him as he and Jared walked the empty park one evening, a flyer landing on his foot as they did. It was an announcement about a grunge club located in the seedier part of L.A. but Tim knew that it was exactly what Jared needed to expel some of his frustration and his demons still haunting him since Shannon’s death.

“Where are we going?” Jared asked as they drove down the dark streets of some part of L.A. he was unfamiliar with several nights later.

“A place where you can scream and yell and act as fucked up as you want” He smiled at Jared with a mischievous glance before turning his attention back towards the road

“I don’t understand” Jared replied in confusion as they parked across the street from a ratty looking building, heavy beated music coming from inside.

“Do you trust me Jared?” Tim asked seriously as he cut off the engine and turned to face the man.

“Of course I do” Jared replied without hesitation.

“Then trust me when I tell you that this is just what you need” He smiled, leaning forward and kissing Jared quickly on the lips, pulling back even quicker once he realized what he had done. “Sorry…” He replied quickly as he pulled his lanky frame out of the car, cursing himself for having no control over his emotions and his actions. What he didn’t notice was the way Jared ran his index finger over his lips, a full smile crossing those same lips before he too climbed out of the car.

“What are we doing here again?” Jared asked, huddling as close to Tim as he dared as they entered the building.

“This is the biggest and baddest grunge club in L.A. and a place where you can get out there and yell and scream…push and ram into people and you won’t get arrested for it” Tim laughed at the shocked look upon Jared’s face. “Look…” He said forcing Jared to face him, faces close together as he talked into his ear over the loudness. “I know how frustrated and angry you are and here you can take care of that frustration without any legal recourse”

“You think?” Jared asked, pulling back to look at Tim’s face, getting his answer in the form of a hard shove before he was devoured by the crowd. At first he just stood there, his body being pushed and slammed into by the dancers around him, but soon he got in on the action, allowing all his frustration and pain to expel in the form of shouting and screaming and almost bone breaking slam dancing. He felt amazing and exhilarated as with each scream, each blow to another body, each blow to his own he felt more and more like himself.

Tim began to panic the moment that he lost sight of Jared, but he knew this was what Jared needed and that he needed to do it on his own. With a heavy hearted sigh he walked towards the bar, ordering a beer for himself and a water for Jared once he exhausted himself and came looking for him. It was nearly two hours later before Jared limped his way over towards Tim, but the smile on his face told him that his plan had worked and it had worked well. “You ok?” Tim screamed against his ear as he led him to a nearby bar stool, handing him the warm bottle of water before taking a seat next to him.

“I’ve never felt better” Jared yelled, one hell of a dazzling smile blasting across his face that it literally took Tim’s breath away. “Your idea what fucking brilliant”

“You ready to go home now?” Tim asked, ready to take Jared back to his place and away from the crowds of people. He hated to admit it to himself but he had grown accustom to their alone time and as much as he had bitched and complained about Jared needing to get out into the world again, he loved their time alone together even more.

“Yeah…” Jared nodded, sliding off of the stool, taking the lead as he walked out of the club. Tim couldn’t help but notice it and as much as it thrilled him that Jared didn’t seem to be so nervous and afraid anymore, a part of him loved it and fucking hated it as well.

“That was fucking amazing” Jared chatted on as they drove back home. “I was so fucking worried for a minute there that someone was going to recognize me…but no one did and I was able to do what the hell I wanted”

“Who could recognize you with all that fucking facial hair on your face? You look like a wild and crazy mountain man” Tim teased, laughing out loud when Jared swatted at him. “What…” He laughed again at the outraged look on Jared’s face. “You have the most beautiful face and yet you keep hiding it behind all that facial hair. I never understood that” He grew serious for a moment, but then played it off when it began to get uncomfortable in the car. “So…are you hungry?” He changed the subject as he focused on the road, trying to ignore the way Jared kept pawing at his beaded face.

“Just want to go home and take a shower before bed” Jared replied half heartedly before turning to look out of the window, his endless chatter from before ended.

Tim was beginning to get worried as he waited for Jared to come out of the bathroom after his shower. He had been in there well over an hour and after many attempts to get him to exit, Tim’s nerves were shot. He couldn’t help but think of all the horrible and stupid things Jared could be doing in there, these thoughts only sending his agitation factor up another notch. “Jared…” He cried out, rushing towards the locked door once again, only to jump back in stunned shock when the door flew open and Jared walked out. “Jesus fuck…” He shouted in shock, a smile gracing his face as he took in the man standing before him. “You shaved” His smile widened as he reached out and ran the tips of his fingers across his shorn cheek, his heart and his neither regions coming to life.

“Yeah…no big deal” Jared shrugged, walking past Tim before lying in the bed that they had been sharing. “You coming to bed?” He asked when Tim continued to stand there.

“Yeah…let me just shower myself” He spoke quickly, rushing into the large bathroom before slamming the door shut. “Stupid fool…” He scolded himself as he leaned against the door, eyes closed as he recalled just how much happier and healthier Jared looked since the first time he had entered the house. It was at that moment in time as well that he had to admit that his feelings for Jared were forming into more then just friendship. In fact, he knew that it had turned into so much more. Sighing, he stripped off his clothes and stepped into the cooling waters of the shower.

Jared listened to the beating water of the shower, his mind confused as hell as to the feelings and thoughts that had been running through his head since the start of their journey out that night. He recalled the wondrous feeling of finally being able to expel some of the anger and hatred that had been harboring deep within him since Shannon’s death, but most of all he couldn’t stop himself from recalling over and over again when Tim had kissed him. He knew that he was being silly, knew that Tim only thought of him as a friend, but as he traced his index finger over his lips, he wished that it was so much more. “What am I doing Shannon” He spoke to the empty room, staring at the ceiling. “Why am I allowing myself to feel again when I know that I am only going to end up alone or hurt again in the end?”

“You talking to someone?” Tim asked as he exited the bathroom, a towel tied around his waist as he did.

“No…” Jared replied quickly, his mouth suddenly dry as his eyes scanned the tight, trim body of the man standing before him.

“You ok?” He heard Tim question, his eyes full of concern when he continued to stare at him like a complete moron.

“Yeah…fine…just tired” He lied as he rolled onto his side, staring at the far wall.

“Do you want me to sleep somewhere else tonight?’ Tim asked when Jared refused to look at him once he had changed into a pair of pajama bottoms and a t-shirt.

“No…come to bed” Jared said quickly, out of fear that he would have to sleep alone that night.

Tim didn’t say a word as he crawled into bed, pulling the sheets to his waist as he lie facing Jared. “You sure you’re ok?” Tim asked as once again when Jared seemed to find focus with the wall behind him.

“Why did you kiss me tonight?” Jared asked bluntly, trailing blue eyes from the wall before locking them on darker ones.

“It was just a friendly kiss. I guess that I just got caught up in the moment and it just happened” Tim stammered, wondering where Jared was going with his line of questioning.

“Had you ever kissed a man before?” Jared continued to interrogate the man lying beside him.

“No…” Tim answered truthfully.

“Oh…have you ever been with a man before?” Jared went even further, waiting for the moment when Tim would explode after having had enough of his delving into his personal life.

“I experimented in college. Nothing but a few drunken blowjobs and hand jobs” Tim answered truthfully again, noticing the way that Jared’s eyes dulled for a moment as he looked down at the comforter before pulling them back up.

“Do you want to kiss me again Tim?” Jared knew he was really pushing his luck, but after the simple kiss from earlier he found that he wanted more, so much more.

Tim thought about all the lame replies he could give, but instead once again opted for the truth as he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Jared’s. “Does that answer your question?”

Jared’s only response was to kiss him back. For the first time in a long time after Shannon’s death Jared felt truly alive. Closing his eyes he savored the closeness shared between him and Tim, the way that with each swipe of a tongue, a nibble upon lips, he felt as if he were waking up from a long drawn out sleep. Sighs and moans of pleasure escaped from his lips when Tim slide on top of his body, pressing him into the mattress with the bulk of his body, making him nearly beg for more. He loved the way Tim couldn’t seem to stop touching his face, his fingers also running though his long hair, touching, massaging, lulling him into a sense of feeling fully protected from everything bad the outside world had waiting for him. He wanted more, hell he needed more as his own hands began to explore every slope and cranny along Tim’s neck and spine, eventually working their way past the waistband of his pajama bottoms before cupping the curves of his ass.

“Jared…wait” Tim cried out, winded and fighting for breath as he pushed himself away, sitting on the side of the bed as he tried to control his hormonally challenged body.

“I’m sorry…” Jared cried out in upset, sitting up against the headboard as he pulled his knees into his chest. “I didn’t mean to get so far out of control” He hung his head in shame like a scolded child wishing that he was anywhere but where he was at.

“Jared…no” Tim spoke quickly, frustration evident upon his face. “I wasn’t trying to blame you for anything…it’s that I just think that we are going to fast. What I mean is that your still trying to get over Shannon’s death and you’ve been making great strives to try and get back out into the world…and well this could really screw it up” He continued when Jared shot him a confused look.

“I don’t understand” Jared whispered, legs still locked up tight against his chest.

“You need to find your way again. You need to get out there and start your life again”

“It’s what I’ve been trying to do”

“I know and you’ve been becoming more and more like yourself with every day that passes…but I just think that being with me is going to be more of a hindrance then a help. I love you Jared” He blurted out the words he couldn’t hide any longer, hating the fact that he was finally declaring his love to Jared, only to hurt him straight afterwards. “Jesus I wish that I didn’t and as much as I would love to pursue this with you…we can’t. I won’t allow it. You need to start living your life alone…without me there picking you up each time that you fall back because if I don’t then I am afraid that you are going to become more dependant on me then you already are”

“I’m not dependant on you” Jared scoffed, offended, despite the fact that he knew it was the truth.

“You are completely dependant on me” Tim reminded, watching the anger beginning to seep into Jared’s eyes and as much as he hated the idea of Jared being angry with him, he knew it was what he had to do. “You can’t do anything on your own. You’ve been looking at scripts for weeks now and yet you haven’t chosen a single one. That one script you and I read through the other night was practically written for you. The script writer is biting at the bit to have you play this character and yet you haven’t returned one of his phone calls or his e-mails”

“I was going to call him” Jared lied, his face becoming read from the amount of anger he felt towards the man he knew he had fallen in love with.

“No you weren’t. You were going to sit here on your ass while I took care of you” Tim's own anger and frustration were beginning to play on him. “You don’t do anything unless I tell you to…or force you to. You are all consuming Jared and the truth is that I can’t do this anymore. I need some time for me…time to do the things that I want to do without having to worry that you’re going to be ok”

“Get the fuck out” Jared raged as he pushed himself off of the bed, knocking Tim to the floor before he had a chance to catch himself. “Get out…” He screamed some more, fighting like hell to hold back broken hearted tears as he grabbed Tim and literally pushed him out of the bedroom and down the hallway stairs. “Take your shit and just leave. You don’t want to stay with me anymore…then get the fuck out. I don’t need you anymore. I don’t have to live my fucking life in your shadow. I’m Jared fucking Leto for fucks sakes…I don’t need any body” Before Tim really knew what was happening he had his coat, keys and shoes in his hand and he was standing on the front porch. His body jerked as well as his heart broke at the slam of the door. With a heavy heart and a broken sigh he walked to his car, got in and began to drive. He didn’t know where he was going until he ended up at Tomo’s apartment.

Tomo didn’t seem surprised to see Tim standing on his doorstep, as he opened the door and found a broken man standing before him. “Come in…I’ll get us some beers” It didn’t matter that it was nearing four in the morning to either as Tim entered the apartment, sat down on the couch and cried.

“It was horrible” Tim sniffled, wiping at the back of his hands in frustration for breaking down like such a child.

“You did what you had to do and you know it” Tomo sympathized, sitting next to Tim on the couch as he rubbed his back. “He’ll be fine Tim and besides that it’s time for you to start living your life again. It’s time for both of us” Tears threatened his eyes as well, as he turned and locked brown eyes with blue. “It’s tough loving and losing a Leto isn’t it?” He smiled sadly, missing Shannon all over again.

“Yeah…” Tim agreed, pulling Tomo into a hug as they commiserated over the losses they were left to deal with.

It was nearly two months before Tim heard from Jared and to say that he was shocked to receive the phone call late one night was nothing but an understatement.

“Hello…” He spoke into the phone hurriedly, praying that everything was ok.

“Hey…” Jared replied hesitantly.

“Hey Jared…” Tim said, unsure of what to say afterwards. The silence was deafening and driving him totally insane. “Jared…” He went to speak, but was cut off before he could finish.

“I’m sorry” He blurted out.

“Sorry for what?” Tim asked, confused.

“I’m sorry for being such a needy bastard and just taking over your entire life” He rushed out before Tim could try and stop him. “I knew what I was doing…knew that I was practically sucking the life out of you…but I was so scared of losing myself that I just kept taking and taking. I never meant for any of that to happen”

“Jared…it’s ok. I wanted to be there for you. I’m just sorry that I let it get so far out of control. You were vulnerable and I took advantage of you” He spoke up.

“We both know that isn’t true Tim. I was a willing party that night as well. I wanted you in the worst kind of way” Jared chuckled, still missing Tim despite everything that had happened between then.

“I did too” Tim said with a smile, tucking the phone against his shoulder as he laid down on the bed. “Hell…I still can’t stop thinking about you” He continued when he knew that he shouldn’t have.

“Me too…” Jared sighed with a smile. “But you were right. I needed to break away from you and start my life again. When Shannon died…a piece of me died with him as well…you were the only one that was able to bring me back. You have no idea how much that means to me…how much I love you for it”

“Love you too Jared” Tim replied. “Where are you anyway? I heard from a friend that you were out of the country”

“I’m in Spain” Jared responded. “I decided you were right and called that director back…he had me on a plane the next day”

“That’s great. I’m really proud of you. Are you ok? Any problems?” His concern evident within his voice.

“Each day is a struggle…but it’s getting better and better” He could hear the truths in Jared’s words and it caused him to smile.

“I’m glad to hear it…really I am”

“What about you Tim…what have you been up too?” Jared questioned, smiling as Tim filled him in on what had been going on in his life.

Hours had passed before they knew it as they said good night with promises to call whenever they could. The problem was that each was to busy to call as much as they wanted to and eventually the calls dwindled down to nothing before they knew it. It didn’t mean that they didn’t think about the other, because that would be far from the truth, but life had a way of taking over and when they did try to speak it just never seemed to be in their favor. Voicemail upon voicemail were left until Jared had had enough. With filming over he found himself with some free time and with a full determination he boarded a place for L.A. and some alone time with the man that he still loved. However, determination turned to disappointment when he found himself on Tim’s doorstep and was told by his neighbor that Tim was out of the country touring with his new band.

Another few weeks past, phone calls were made, messages left and yet it just didn’t seem to be in the cards for them, until Tim made a final decision. Alerting his new band members of his plight he boarded a plane as Jared had weeks earlier with one mission on his mind. He arrived in L.A. very early one morning, but he didn’t care as he took a cab to Jared’s home, let himself in with his key before flying up the stairs to Jared’s bedroom. “Honey…I’m home” He laughed as he burst through the door and found it empty. “Jared…” He called out, searching the bathroom in hopes that he had gotten up in the middle of the night to relieve himself, only to find it empty. “Fuck me…” He cried out in frustration as he fell backwards onto the bed.

“Well I’d prefer that you’d fuck me…but we can negotiate if you’d like” Jared giggled as he walked into his bedroom finding Tim sprawled out across his bed. He didn’t give the other man a chance to respond as he rushed across the room, jumping on top of him. “I thought I was hearing things” He went on, placing kisses all over Tim’s grinning face. “I was in the kitchen and I thought I heard your voice and…” He wasn’t allowed to finish as Tim rolled the two of them over, hindering all words as he mouth sought out his own, kissing the very breath from his body. They made love that night for the very first time. It was amazing and special all rolled into one and what each of them had been craving from the other. Words of love were shared as plans for their future were made. The night was amazing and wonderful all rolled into one as afterwards, exhausted and sated the two fell into deep slumber within each others arms.

Shannon couldn’t help but smile, tears blazing down his face as he looked down upon the sleeping two. Happiness and relief filled him because he knew that Jared was in good hands and that Tim would always be there to take care of his little brother as he had while living. With a final glance and a silent goodbye he floated away, leaving Jared and Tim to live their lives together and in love.

The End…


End file.
